The Horrors of TV
by Mesita
Summary: Poor anime characters are getting decapitated! The Pilots are there to solve it. Too bad they don't know it yet. u.u
1. I am so creative with titles

-Dislcaimers: I DO NOT own Gundam Wing or any of the other anime's mentioned. ::growls:: Not fair!  
  
-Author's Note: I'm just a little hentai and messed up up here... ::taps head:: But I hope that's all right with you. There's actually a PLOT in this story! Yes! Thank you, thank you, it's funny and hard to follow at first, but once you get the picture well... it's not a pretty sight. I wrote this when I just... felt like writing something so the chapters are fairly short. Oh well.  
  
-Kitzaku-san  
  
1 The Horrors of TV  
  
  
  
As Tenchi looked out of his bedroom window, he saw something from the corner of his eye. He turned his head and the thing flew by with a whoosh and decapitated him.  
  
"Yeah!" Duo cried. "It's about time! No one really liked that dork anyway!"  
  
"I don't know..." Quatre said quietly, "he was really nice. I hate it when people kill others because of hatred."  
  
Wufei snorted. "You sure?"  
  
Quatre nodded. "Positive."  
  
"I your friend! I kill Treize!" Wufei exclaimed. "Baka!"  
  
Quatre looked at his feet. "But you were in a war."  
  
"So what?"  
  
"War is all about hatred."  
  
"But you hate hatred...wait... HAHAHA! Hate hatred! That rich!" Wufei doubled over with laughter.  
  
Quatre's eyes welled with tears. "You were...confusing me! I'm t-t- telling Trowa!!!" He ran from the room.  
  
Duo shook his head. "You were too hard on him over nothing."  
  
"It not my fault." Wufei retorted. "The pansy is a pansy."  
  
"But still...." Duo started but Sailor Moon came on. "WOAH! Look at those babes!" He sat drooling over the TV.  
  
"Baka Duo." Wufei shook his head. "They ugly. Even Zechs prettier."  
  
Duo wasn't paying attention. His eyes were glued to the TV.  
  
Serena was eating hamburgers when Darien came knocking.  
  
"Oh Darien!" she cried.  
  
"Serena, I came to see Rini." Darien replied with a half-smile.  
  
Serena pouted. "I think you like her more than me!"  
  
Rini appeared at the steps. "Darien! Yay! Now we can go shopping!"  
  
Serena's jaw dropped. "How come I can't come?"  
  
Darien sighed. "I promised Rini... I'll see you later."  
  
Darien and Rini left and Serena looked in the corner of her eye and noticed something. Then it came and hit her in the head and decapitated her.  
  
"Hey!" Duo exclaimed. "There's a conspiracy here!"  
  
Wufei snorted. "Serena no talk right. She stupid"  
  
"What are you talking about Fortune Cookie? You can't even speak English right!" Duo yelled.  
  
"Well I not drool over Sailor Freaks!"  
  
"They aren't freaks! They've got major sex-appeal!"  
  
"OOOOOO I tell Hilde!"  
  
"Hey! Don't you dare!"  
  
"OH HI-"  
  
Duo ran over and clamped a hand over Wufei's mouth. "Shut up sexist!"  
  
Wufei reached and flung Duo over his back and Duo kicked Wufei in the ribs. They threw punches and kicks and got into a huge fight.  
  
Quatre barged in with Trowa. Quatre's face was streaked with tears.  
  
"Who made my Quatre-chan cry?!" Trowa demanded.  
  
Duo quickly pointed to Wufei. "He made fun of Quatre and confused him."  
  
"Tattle-tale..." Wufei grunted.  
  
"H-h-he was being mean!" Quatre sobbed.  
  
Trowa barged in the fight, fists flying. Quatre was yelling at them to stop and suddenly a girl's voice shouted out:  
  
"STOP!!!"  
  
It was Noin. She held Wufei and Duo by the ear and motioned for Trowa to follow. Duo and Wufei were struggling. Wufei had a huge gash on the side of his head from Trowa's hair and Trowa got whipped a few times my Duo's hair and Duo, trying to keep his complexion fair, was suprisingly unhurt.  
  
"I'm proud that you had enough sense not to get into the fight." Noin said to Quatre. "As for these three." She looked at Trowa, Duo and Wufei, "You've been acting like five year olds!"  
  
They hung their heads in shame.  
  
Quatre spoke up. "But Miss Noin, they were fighting because of me."  
  
"Oh? Is that right you three?" Noin said the others. They nodded.  
  
"Lock him up too!" Wufei shouted.  
  
"You mean you're gonna lock them up? For fighting?" Quatre said, scared.  
  
"Oh no! I'll just yell at them for a while." Noin explained.  
  
"But my ears!" Duo complained. "I won't be able to hear Hilde! No wait, that's a good thing."  
  
"OOH I tell Hilde..." Wufei started.  
  
"Hey! Don't start!"  
  
Noin hauled them down the hall. "It's embarrassing about how I have to look after you two all the time."  
  
"Wait," Wufei said suddenly, "What about Mr. Every-day-is-a-bad-hair- day?"  
  
Noin stopped and looked around. Trowa and Quatre had disappeared.  
  
"Oooo they in T-R-A-B-L-E!!" Wufei said in a singsong voice.  
  
"Hahaha you spelled trouble wrong!" Duo laughed.  
  
"Shut up." Wufei glared.  
  
"Trowa wasn't acting as rowdy as you two anyway." Noin decided.  
  
"But...hey! I wasn't even in this!" shouted Duo. "I was watchin Sailor Moon!"  
  
"DUO!" Noin snapped. "You know you shouldn't be watching those shows! They make you hard!"  
  
"That what Hilde and Heero for...." Wufei snickered.  
  
"Hey!" Duo said turning red. "This is my PERSONAL life!"  
  
Noin came to a door and led the two pilots in and sat them in chairs. "Dorothy will be here shortly with your punishment."  
  
"NO! NOT DOROTHY!" Both the pilots exclaimed, a look of horror on their faces.  
  
Noin casually walked out and closed the door behind her.  
  
Stay tuned to find out what happened to Quatre and Trowa and what horrors await Duo and Wufei. And where's Heero?  
  
Heero: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!  
  
Relena: It's been three years! And you NEVER gave me the card in PERSON!  
  
Heero: I HAD GOOD REASON!  
  
/"I do not approve of Relena Peacecraft." -quote from Chang Wufei/


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Same as the previous chapter  
  
Rates: PG-13, fluff, yaoi  
  
Notes: It continues! I didn't think I'd continue this until I wrote the ending to the other one. Yay ! Now we know absolutely NOTHING more about the mystery. Or do we? I had to stretch this over 10 chapters. X.x  
  
  
  
  
  
The Horrors of TV: Part 2  
  
  
  
As Sakura looked down the path that awaited her, she suddenly became scared. She knew that she was not that good at ice-skating. As a matter of fact, that was the only sport that she could not do. As the heavy ice storm has coated the streets with ice, Sakura had to make it to school through the ice on ice skates. She was late again for school.  
  
As she started off, she saw something from the corner of her eye. Then it flew at her and decapitated her without a word.  
  
"Why are they doing this all of a sudden?" Quatre questioned the air.  
  
He and Trowa had escaped the wrath of Miss Noin and had locked themselves in their room.  
  
"I don't know, I don't watch TV." Trowa replied.  
  
"Hmmm" The blonde boy thought, "I think there is definitely something going on."  
  
"Where's that? The TV company?"  
  
"Could be."  
  
"I doubt it." Trowa shrugged. "Hey, you want to go and sneak some beer?"  
  
"No, I don't like alcohol consumption." Quatre looked at his feet. Trowa was acting differently for some reason. The real Trowa never got in fights, he never talked, and he didn't make fun of Quatre. "Trowa? are you feeling ok?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Trowa replied impatiently. "Well, I need some beer. See ya."  
  
Quatre sat on the bed with his mouth hanging open. Trowa never just walked out the door without a kiss! He never acted like this! If something was going on, then Trowa must be in trouble! Quatre just knew it!  
  
The blonde boy quickly got on his shoes and headed towards the punishment department. He needed to speak with Duo and Wufei about Trowa. Surely they might have figured something out.  
  
"Huh? Trowa in trouble?" Duo asked Quatre. "I never noticed anything." He took a sip from his Coke.  
  
Quatre had just helped Duo and Wufei escape the wrath of Dorothy's senseless yelling. Although Wufei seemed calm about the capture, Duo was acting as if he had just had a seizure. But he acted as if nothing had happened once he left.  
  
"Ha," Wufei grunted. "Trowa in trouble. He got us trouble."  
  
Quatre sighed. These two were totally clueless. "No, Trowa's been acting differently. He wanted to sneak a beer with me."  
  
"Hey! That's not right!" Duo shrieked suddenly.  
  
"Yeah," Quatre replied hastily, happy to see that someone got the point.  
  
"No! I mean look!" Duo gasped. Wufei started to crack up.  
  
"DUO PEE HIS PANTS!"  
  
"I did not!" Duo snapped.  
  
"Did too!" Wufei shouted automatically.  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Guys, guys, guys!" Quatre tried to settle them down. "Settle down! Duo just spilled his drink, that's all. He did not pee his pants."  
  
Duo stuck his tongue out at Wufei, who grabbed it.  
  
"Hey! Wet go wight wow!" Duo whined.  
  
"Hahaha! I rip it out next time!" Wufei sneered.  
  
Quatre sighed. It was no use trying to stop these two from fighting. And they didn't even fight right! They fought like 5 year olds. Miss Noin was right.  
  
"Ka-Me-Ha-Me-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Goku threw a Kamehameha wave at Cell.  
  
"Hehehe that tickled!" Cell laughed. "Take your other other other best shot.  
  
"I don't feel like it." Goku gasped. He was almost out of energy. "I'll make Gohan do it. OH GOHAN!!!"  
  
"Yes daddy?" came Gohan's reply  
  
"Be a good boy and kill Cell ok?"  
  
"OK!"  
  
Gohan kicked Cell where-it-counts and Cell fell over dead. Then Gohan saw something from the corner of his eye. It hit him in the head and decapitated him.  
  
"Hmmmm..." Trowa said, watching the television at the bar. "Quatre's right, there is a conspiracy."  
  
"You sure are right about that!"  
  
Trowa turned around to see a creaky old guy with a green bag looking at him. He knew he had seen that face somewhere before.  
  
"I'm sorry," Trowa started. "But don't know you?"  
  
"Yes!" The old man shouted. Then he started mumbling something to Trowa in incomprehensible words and Trowa began to feel different. He started to feel like Heero... again. This had happened earlier...yes, back in the garden...Trowa remembered it perfectly.  
  
(Trowa Barton was walking through the garden trying to decide on what the perfect flower for Quatre was. As he came around a bend, he heard a voice.  
  
"Hello there sonny."  
  
Trowa turned and it was an old man.  
  
"May I help you?" Trowa asked.  
  
"Yes!" The guy said. Then he mumbled some things and Trowa started to feel like Heero. All the hatred, the memories, and he felt towards the other pilots as Heero did...  
  
Then the old guy disappeared just as mysteriously as he had appeared. And he left Trowa all alone to the thoughts of Heero.  
  
Now he understood why Heero had wanted to die... (  
  
Everything came back to Trowa. Every time the spell wore off, the old guy would come and start it. That was why he was rude to Quatre, and why he got in that fight, and his strange craving for beer.  
  
All the extra pain thrown on Trowa's back. He needed to get rid of the old man ...but how? Maybe he should just plain out kill him...normally, with a gun. Or maybe...  
  
Trowa gasped. He was thinking like Heero.  
  
Will Trowa ever be rid of the old fart? Will the conspiracy stop? Is Heero thinking like Trowa? Will Duo and Wufei grow up? Find out next time on the Horrors of TV!!  
  
Heero: Hey! Relena's gone!  
  
Dorothy: I know  
  
Heero: Dorothy! THAT'S WORSE!  
  
Dorothy: Heero...  
  
Heero: SHUT UP! I WANT RELENA BACK!  
  
Everyone: *gasp!*  
  
Heero: I mean....awwwwwww shut up!  
  
/I still don't approve of Relena Peacecraft"- modification of a quote from Wufei/ 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapter  
  
Rates: PG-13, yaoi, fluff, hentai XD  
  
Notes: I'm SO WEIRD! Very slow tho... ack, I think we know more on our conspiracy, but not enough! Keep in mind that this is my first mystery. So I SUCK at it! Besides, I wrote this a long time ago. X.x  
  
  
  
  
  
The Horrors of TV: Part 3  
  
Yamato Ishida looked out around the Digiworld. It had been a few weeks since he had last been there. He thought that maybe things were turning up for the digidestined. After all, now that Ken realized what he was doing wrong, there was no threat to the digital world. But then Matt saw something from the corner of his eye. It came at him and decapitated him.  
  
"Wow..." Duo blinked. "This conspiracy is getting a little predictable eh? Wufei?"  
  
"Huh?" Wufei said cluelessly. He was working on a model of Nataku. "Oh, yeah...right..."  
  
"Sometimes I think you like that Gundam of yours more than TV." Duo sighed.  
  
Wufei just stared at him and shook his head.  
  
"Nani?" Duo asked.  
  
"Nothin."  
  
"Well, don't look at me like that!"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like I'm crazy!"  
  
Wufei started laughing. "You is!"  
  
"I'm not that crazy am I? Why, what did I say?"  
  
"You love TV more than Gundam."  
  
"Yeah, well you love your Gundam more than TV!" Duo retorted.  
  
"Well Gundams no rot mind, Rapunzel."  
  
"TV is less harmless!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So what?  
  
"So....ummm you a wuss!" it was all Wufei could think of.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Cause you like harmless things!"  
  
"So what if I like kittens and shampoo! ooo Shampoo..." Duo dazes out thinking of Ranma ½'s chic, Shampoo.  
  
Wufei blinks and glares at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Shampoo my girl! You no take her!"  
  
"And you say I'm crazy." Duo laughed.  
  
Quatre finally wakes up from his nap. He yawns, and stretches. But it takes him a while to realize he's in Wufei's room. "Hey, have you too been behaving?"  
  
"No.. Wufei was being mean!" Duo whined.  
  
"Was not!" Wufei yelled.  
  
"Was too!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Was too!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Was too!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Hey!" Quatre screamed. "Stop it! I swear, you two act like 5 year olds!"  
  
"Geez Quatre, you don't have to get all pissy." Duo said plainly.  
  
"And you no swear. " Wufei agreed.  
  
Quatre put a hand to his forehead. "I'm not feeling that well. I'm going to go back to my room.  
  
"See ya!" Duo called.  
  
"Duo you leave room too." Wufei demanded.  
  
"No! It's a free country!"  
  
"But no free room."  
  
"Damnit!" Duo stormed out behind Quatre.  
  
Ranma and Akane were walking to school and the group of boys started towards Akane again. She got ready to start fighting when she saw something from the corner of her eye. It flew up and decapitated her. All the guys around just kind of stood there and gasped. They wanted to find out who was dating Akane now. Then a half a bazillion little things flew up and decapitated them.  
  
"Damn conspiracy." Trowa sighed. He fell back on his bed. He was still thinking like Heero. And he wanted to tell Quatre before the feeling went away and he would forget.  
  
Trowa gasped again. He just had a thought about Relena and Duo. Trowa had only thought about Quatre like that...but Relena and Duo? That just wasn't right!  
  
Then Trowa heard the doorknob turn. With Heero's thoughts, he noticed things like that. It was only Quatre.  
  
"Trowa! You're here! What has been going on with you?" the blonde asked politely.  
  
"Well, I've been wanting to tell you that...that...that...." Trowa couldn't quite think of it. What had he wanted to tell Quatre for so long?  
  
"What is it?" Quatre asked eagerly. "Is it why you've been acting strangely?"  
  
"I think so." Trowa said. He tried really hard to think of it but nothing came. "I think it was umm I love you."  
  
"Oh that? You've told me that a lot already! Is that what was bothering you? I can't imagine why."  
  
That didn't seem to be what he was going to tell Quatre. Whatever it was, Trowa could not grasp it anymore. He sighed. It will come to him in time. He knew it.  
  
"Hey, have you seen anything else on that conspiracy yet?" Quatre changed the subject.  
  
Trowa nodded.  
  
"Ok. Have you figured anything out yet?"  
  
The brown-haired boy shook his head.  
  
"I haven't either." Quatre smiled and sat next to Trowa on the bed and turned the TV off.  
  
"I guess we'll never know." Trowa said, staring blankly at the TV.  
  
Noin then knocked on the door and called that it was lunch.  
  
Will ANYONE figure out about the conspiracy? Will Wufei and Duo grow up? Will Trowa ever find out how to tell Quatre about his problem? Find out next time on The Horrors of TV!  
  
Heero: Woah....Quatre  
  
Relena: Huh?  
  
Heero: what? I forgot what I was talking about...ummm  
  
Relena: Hee-chan? You ok?  
  
Heero: Huh? AHHH Relena! You're back!  
  
Relena: did you miss me?  
  
Heero: I...don't know...  
  
/"I will never approve of Miss Relena Peacecraft." -yet another modification of a quote from Chang Wufei./ 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapter  
  
Rates: OOC, yaoi, fluff, language, hentai XD  
  
Notes: Muaha, I didn't think people would actually read this, but I guess there's not a lot of mystery out there. O.O;; It's still as horrible as ever, I guess my writing skills aren't –that- bad anymore. XD  
  
1 The Horrors of TV Part 4  
  
  
  
Dilandau looked outside of the Zaibach Empire's floating Fortress. He stroked his cheek and blood spurted out. He sighed.  
  
"I HATE Van!!!!" Dilandau screeched.  
  
"Geez Lord Dilandau, don't hold a grudge like that." Gatti said calmly. His friend, Dalet, elbowed him in the ribs.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Dilandau stood up and grabbed Gatti by the collar. He gulped.  
  
"I said Geez Lord Dilandau, I sure wish a smudge like that was dead." Gatti thought up really quickly, which was highly unusual.  
  
"Oh, right." Dilandau shrugged. He was too mad at Van to hit anyone.  
  
"But si-i-i-r." Guimel stopped eating roses for a second to speak up. "He sa-a-a-a-id 'Ge-e-e--e-e--ez Lord Dilandau, do-o-o-o-n't hold a gru-u- udge like tha-a--at."  
  
Dilandau turned to Gatti and slapped him and something came from the corner of his eye and decapitated him.  
  
Wufei sighed. "This conspiracy giving me a headache."  
  
Duo snickered and stomped on Wufei's foot from under the table.  
  
"OW! What you do that for?" Wufei screeched.  
  
"Well." Duo said matter-of-factly, "If you make a new pain somewhere else, you forget about the old pain."  
  
"OW! But my head and foot hurt!" Wufei hollered holding onto his foot and falling off his chair from the table.  
  
"Hm, I guess it doesn't work on the intellectually challenged."  
  
"Hey! I not Intellecuuuuu-ummm whatever that is!" Wufei folded his arms across his chest.  
  
"Will you two mind?" Noin asked.  
  
Wufei glared at her. "Mind what, woman?"  
  
"If you two don't stop fighting I'm going to take this TV out of the Dining Room."  
  
"Eep! No!" Duo cried. He hugged the TV.  
  
Quatre sighed. "If you don't stop fighting, I'm afraid I'll have to agree with Noin."  
  
"But Quatre," Trowa inquired. "What about the conspiracy?"  
  
"Huh?" Noin asked. "What conspiracy?"  
  
"Well," Quatre explained. "Lately, on all the shows, something has been decapitating everyone."  
  
"Oh, that is a conspiracy."  
  
"Well duh, lady." Wufei snorted between mouthfuls of rice. "What else did you think it was?"  
  
"I never watch TV, Wufei, for your information." Noin said calmly.  
  
"WHAT?" Duo freaked. "You don't watch TV? HOW COULD YOU?"  
  
Duo and Wufei clung to each other in fear and started crying.  
  
Trowa shook his head. "You two need to do some serious growing up."  
  
"Really" Quatre agreed.  
  
"Quatre" Noin started. "If I may ask, Can I help you with this conspiracy?"  
  
"Why certainly."  
  
"Thank you. But I must be going. I have to meet Zechs in the garden in 10 minutes." Noin flushed slightly and left the table. Wufei and Duo burst out laughing.  
  
"NOIN AND ZECHS SITTIN' IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"  
  
Wufei batted his eyes. "Oh, here's some advice. 'Have safe Zechs. Always wear a Gundam." Duo doubled over with laughter.  
  
"Come on Trowa, the way these two act gives me the biggest migraine." Quatre sighed and silently he and Trowa left the table.  
  
Duo and Wufei had both fallen off their chairs and were now rolling on the floor with laughter. Duo had accidentally knocked over the mashed potatoes and gravy and Wufei was now swimming in them.  
  
Gene and Jim flew through space past Blue Haven. They had narrowly escaped the Space Pirates and now Gene started to feel really sick. He hated space a lot.  
  
"Aw, come on Gene." Jim said, holding out his hand. "It's not so bad." he said sarcastically.  
  
"Yes it is, look." Gene gasped. Jim turned around and saw something fly out form the corner of his eye and it decapitated him.  
  
Trowa and Quatre were sitting on a branch in the forest near the garden. Trowa seemed to be deep in thought so Quatre sneaked a peek at Noin and Zechs. Yep, they were still at it. Quatre could feel his face grow hot and he quickly looked away.  
  
His sudden movement jerked Trowa from his thoughts and he smiled at Quatre. Quatre smiled back.  
  
"Hey Trowa." Quatre sat close to his beloved. "What's on your mind?"  
  
"Nothing." was all he would say.  
  
"Trowa...." Quatre sighed, his eyes growing big. "You can tell me."  
  
"But that's it Quatre." Trowa looked down. "I can't."  
  
"Why not? We never kept secrets from each other."  
  
"I don't remember."  
  
"What do you mean?" Quatre asked, getting slightly annoyed.  
  
"I'm trying to figure out what I was going to tell you. I can't remember."  
  
"Is it why you've been acting strangely?" Quatre asked for the second time that day.  
  
"I'm pretty sure." Trowa laid his head on Quatre's lap.  
  
Quatre stroked Trowa's bangs. He could tell Trowa was uncomfortable with this conversation so hastily, Quatre changed the subject.  
  
"How much gel do you put on your hair to get it like this?" he inquired.  
  
There was no response from him. He was asleep. Quatre sighed, leaned back on the tree, suddenly tired, and fell asleep.  
  
Wufei had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. He was going to kill Duo for spilling mashed potatoes all over him. At the moment, he had not known about it and ended up practically swimming in it. He never understood why Duo was always goofing around. But it was ruining his reputation. He used to be a good soldier, but after the war, things changed and he had no idea of what to do and lost his maturity. Of course it was no problem for Duo because Duo never was mature. He was afraid of scissors for Pete's sake!  
  
"What are you doing?" Duo snorted. Wufei hadn't noticed him come in.  
  
"Ah! I hate you! You made me use all hot water!" Wufei snapped.  
  
"Well, soooorry. I didn't know." Duo piped. "Anyway, I was out spying on Noin and Zechs when I noticed that they aren't the ones K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the tree."  
  
"Duo." Wufei glared at him.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
Wufei hit Duo in the head with the remote control and the TV turned on.  
  
Miaka was roaming about the Suzaku Palace and was getting hungrier with every step. It had been so long since she had something to eat. Almost 2 hours! Then she saw Tomahomae.  
  
"Tomahomae! I finally found you!" she cried. Then she realized she was looking for food and not Tomahomae. But she kept her mouth shut.  
  
"Hey, look out!" Tomahomae cried.  
  
"Huh?" Miaka saw something from the corner of her eye and it came and decapitated her.  
  
Duo stroked his chin. "Nice interruption. Where were we?"  
  
"I hit you with remote." Wufei explained.  
  
"Oh, right." Duo winced in pain. "OW!"  
  
"I was bout to say 'the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song is a song and not real'."  
  
"Oh." Duo said dumbfounded. "Well Trowa and Quatre are  
  
K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a tree. Wanna go an watch?"  
  
"Aw, what the heck." Wufei agreed.  
  
Wufei and Duo snuck very quietly to the garden and peeked around a corner.  
  
"Yep, Zechs and Noin are still at it." Duo said. Wufei grimaced.  
  
They turned a few more corners until they came to a group of trees. Wufei could see two pairs of feet dangling from a branch from one of them. Two of them were overlapping.  
  
"Hey, Wufei, you can get a good view of it from here." Duo whispered and they went around behind the tree. Now Wufei could see Quatre and Trowa's lips touch.  
  
"Ewwwwwwwwww." Wufei muttered.  
  
"Tell me about it." Duo laughed. "Ack!"  
  
Trowa and Quatre had stopped to take a breath of air and Wufei and Duo saw Trowa's tongue slide out of Quatre's mouth.  
  
"I gonna get nightmares 'cos of this." Wufei gagged.  
  
"Aww, but I think it's sweet!" Duo sighed. "Our friends are so happy."  
  
"Shut up, crackface." Wufei retorted.  
  
Then they both felt someone tap their shoulders. They whipped around quickly. It was a strange old man.  
  
"Excuse me young men," He asked in a creaky old voice. "Can you tell me where the one called Trowa Barton is?"  
  
"Aw man!" Wufei coughed. "You love him too?"  
  
"Heh heh. He's popular." Duo snickered.  
  
"No, I'm just an old friend of his." That was all he said.  
  
"Okie dokie then." Wufei agreed. "He up there." He pointed to the tree. The old man disappeared.  
  
"What a weird old fart." Duo mumbled.  
  
Back up in the tree, the old man appeared in front of Trowa.  
  
"Huh? Um, do I know you?" Trowa and Quatre asked together.  
  
"Yes!" Then the old man mumbled something that neither Quatre nor Trowa could understand. Trowa held his head and screamed in agony. The old man laughed and hopped off with a green bag on his shoulder.  
  
"Trowa!" Quatre held the collapsing Trowa in his arms. "Are you alright? Who was that?"  
  
"Quatre?" Trowa asked shakily. "What are you doing?"  
  
"We were um, just kissing and-"  
  
Trowa, who suddenly got up and jumped from the tree, cut off Quatre. Trowa can off into the darkness.  
  
Quatre sat with his mouth hanging open in the tree. Did that old man have something to do with Trowa's behavior? It was certainly obvious. He looked down and saw Wufei and Duo's faces peeking through the leaves.  
  
"HEY! What are you two doing?" Quatre demanded.  
  
They looked at each other. "Who, us?" Duo asked.  
  
"Do you see anyone else here?" Quatre asked.  
  
Wufei looking around and looked under his feet. "No."  
  
Quatre sighed. "Well I know you two. You two were spying."  
  
"Oh wow Quatre!" Duo exclaimed. "Nothing gets by you!" Quatre's eyes welled up with tears.  
  
He and Wufei cracked up and ran off to leave Quatre crying in the tree.  
  
Will Trowa ever tell Quatre he's thinking like Heero? Will Quatre always cry over everything? Are Noin and Zechs DONE yet? Find out next time on The Horrors of TV: Part 5!  
  
Heero: I hope Relena's not here.....  
  
Relena: HI HEERO!  
  
Heero: AHH! NOO!  
  
Old Man: Boo!  
  
Relena: What's with the old fart?  
  
Heero: Quatre....  
  
Relena: Huh? I'm Relena....  
  
Heero: Oh really? Hey I heard Heero was BI...  
  
Relena: huh? YOU ARE HEERO!  
  
/"I still will never ever approve of Relena Peacecraft." -The other other modification of a quote from Wufei/ 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapter ^.^  
  
Rates: OOC, yaoi, fluff, language, hentai, PG-13  
  
Notes: Here's another chapter, we're halfway through! Yipee! And no, they're not getting any longer. Sometimes, the longer the chapter, the less people would feel like reading it. x.x I'll survive. Somehow.  
  
  
  
1 The Horrors of TV Part 5  
  
  
  
Harry McDougal knocked on Melfina's door countless times, but she refused to open.  
  
"Come on, Melfina!!" He shouted impatiently. "I just want to talk!" He gripped his bouquet of flowers tighter.  
  
"No! I can't trust you!" Melfina said, scared.  
  
"Aw, why not!" He blinked. "Huh?" McDougal turned around and out of the corner of his eye, something came and decapitated him, went through the door, and decapitated Melfina.  
  
Quatre sighed. "They won't give it a rest, will they?" He looked up at the ceiling. "Besides, that McDougal was kinda cute."  
  
He had walked himself home after the sun had gone down. Trowa was no where to be found and Duo and Wufei were playing poker. So Quatre had gone to his room and watched TV.  
  
There was a knock on the door.  
  
"Yes?" Quatre said weakly. It was Trowa. Quatre smiled. "You know, you don't have to knock."  
  
Trowa cocked an eyebrow, looked confused, then smiled. "Yes, of course."  
  
"Trowa..." Quatre said quietly. He didn't look up. "Why did you run off earlier today?"  
  
Trowa kept silent. He didn't know what to tell Quatre. It was so hard to let the wimpy pansy know that he was thinking like Heero. Hell, he was Heero. Oh, what he wouldn't give right then to brush Duo's hair....  
  
Trowa gasped and caught himself. He started reciting from the Soldiers Handbook. He did that when he got too far off with his thoughts of Duo. Trowa looked over at Quatre. He was gazing at him with stars in his eyes. Trowa turned away.  
  
"Are you going to answer me?" Quatre demanded. "Something is wrong! Please...tell me..."  
  
Trowa shook his head. "You wouldn't understand..." Then Trowa gasped. There was an enormous amount of pain in his head. He thought that if he held it, it would go away. It didn't. Soon, he was on the floor, crying in agony.  
  
"Trowa!" Quatre gasped and fell to his side. "Trowa! Are you alright! Trowa! Talk to me!"  
  
Trowa looked up and smiled at Quatre. "Hey.." Then he was out cold.  
  
"Mmmm. Dis ish good." Duo said between mouthfuls of nikumon. "You gotta twy dish."  
  
"No." Wufei shook his head so violently he lost his balance and fell down the stairs. "Ow. -.-*"  
  
"AH HA HA HA HA! You can't do anything right!" Duo laughed. "You have to fall down the stairs like this!" Duo toppled backwards and flew down the steps gracefully. "Ack! My back!" He grinned. "See? Nuttin to it."  
  
"Yeah, remind me next time I try fall down stair." Wufei rubbed the back of his head. "Hey?" He picked up an Ace of Spades. "Nani?"  
  
Duo turned beat red. "Heh heh...well, hmmm I wonder how that got there?"  
  
"YOU CHEAT!" Wufei snarled. "I PLAY FAIR ONE TIME! YOU CHEAT!"  
  
"Hey!" Duo said, backing away. "It's all a joke, dig?"  
  
Wufei tackled Duo and they got into a full-fledged fight. Noin came down the hall talking to Zechs and giggling. She turned and saw Wufei with Duo in a headlock and flames brewed in her eyes.  
  
"YOU TWO!" She screeched. Zechs held his ears and ran down the hall. Noin grabbed Duo and Wufei by their collars. They were still trying to punch and kick each other.  
  
"Lemme at him!" Duo screamed.  
  
"YOU CHEAT!" Wufei ranted on.  
  
"Both of you! I swear!" Noin sighed. "If it weren't for Zechs I'd be completely out of my mind."  
  
Duo stopped egging Wufei on and batted his eyes at Noin. "Oi, Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechs!"  
  
Wufei stopped and let the situation seep into his head. "Yeah," he then put on an impression of Noin. "Koi shiteru!"  
  
Duo somehow managed to get out of Noin's grasp and he bolted down the hall with Wufei and Noin at his heels.  
  
Noin hollered after them. "Where are you two going!?"  
  
"I'm gettin' some oranges!" Duo called back at her.  
  
"I..." Wufei hesitated. "Get away from you!" Then he dashed around a corner and disappeared.  
  
Noin stopped and blinked. "Those...are two weird boys...." She turned around to go find Zechs.  
  
Sage and Rowan were driving along in their red jeep when an earthquake suddenly arose and caused them to swirl off the road.  
  
"Sheesh Sage," Rowan said sarcastically. "Nice driving."  
  
"Hey!" Sage yelled back but stopped. He saw something from the corner of his eye and it came and decapitated them.  
  
Trowa awoke to the TV's blaring. He tried to get up, but he noticed he was tucked in Quatre's bed really tight. He turned his head and saw Quatre asleep in a rocking chair with a book in his hand.  
  
Trowa rested his head back on the pillow and thought. He had had the strangest dream. Some old man was transferring his thoughts for some reason. Trowa shook his head.  
  
The noise must have startled Quatre because he awoke with a start. Trowa just stared. Quatre looked so tired.  
  
"Trowa!" The young blonde smiled. "Y-you're alright!"  
  
"Of course." Trowa said calmly. "Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"Well, you had this headache...and you went out cold." Quatre said worried.  
  
"Hn...." was all Trowa said. He was busy thinking about last night. The last thing he could remember was that he and Quatre were in a tree...Maybe that's when he passed out. He did remember a headache...sort of.  
  
Then it hit him...his dream...it was real.  
  
"Quatre!" Trowa said so suddenly, he didn't realize how loud it was.  
  
Quatre jumped. "Nani?"  
  
"I have… to tell you something.." Trowa sighed. Quatre was listening intently. "That...old man..." Trowa shook his head but continued. "He's some sort of demon or something." Quatre came down and sat beside Trowa. "He made me… think... like Heero... I had Heero's thought's, his dreams... all in my head." Trowa shuddered and Quatre cradled him in his arms.  
  
"Shhhh..." Quatre coaxed him. "It'll be all right."  
  
"I don't know...." Trowa looked into Quatre's eyes. "Afterwards, I would forget...everything. I wanted to tell you for so long… b-but I couldn't." He buried his head in Quatre's shoulder.  
  
Quatre thought for a moment. If what Trowa was saying was true... that would explain his behavior... but why-why did he remember it? Was he still Heero? He was Trowa. Quatre was sure of it.  
  
"Trowa...." Quatre sighed. Trowa looked up, his eyes huge. "How could you remember?"  
  
Trowa shook his head and shrugged.  
  
"Trowa...do you think it has something to do with the Conspiracy?" Quatre gasped. That would make sense...if only they could find out the whole mystery. Trowa kept silent, evidently deep in thought.  
  
Then the door burst open and Wufei barged in.  
  
"EMERGENCY!" he cried. Then he stopped and caught his breath.  
  
Quatre jumped up. "What is it?"  
  
Wufei gasped. "It Duo...he got foot stuck in refrigerator again."  
  
Trowa just sat there dumbfounded. He thought it was something important.  
  
"Oi." Quatre put a hand to his forehead. "Wufei, tell Miss Noin to take care of it. I'm tired."  
  
Wufei gaped with his mouth open. "But that woman! I won't d-" Wufei stopped suddenly. His eyes darted from Quatre to Trowa on the bed, then back to Quatre. "Ooooo." Wufei grinned and ran out.  
  
"I wonder...." Trowa blinked. "If he got the wrong impression?"  
  
Quatre shrugged and climbed into the bed with Trowa. "I'm too tired to do anything." Then before Trowa could say goodnight, The young blonde was asleep next to him.  
  
Trowa smiled and stroked Quatre's hair. He knew that Quatre would help him get rid of the old man. He knew everything was going to be OK someday.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Duo looked at the clock. "Wufei!" he called. Where was he? "Wufei! Can you hear me?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"WUFEI! FORTUNE COOKIE! DID YOU GET HELP YET?!"  
  
No answer.  
  
Duo sighed. Then tried again. "WUFEI! MY FOOT IS COLD!"  
  
Will Duo ever get his foot out of the refrigerator? Will Trowa and Quatre solve the problem of the conspiracy and the old man? Where is Wufei? And did Noin find Zechs? Find out next time on the Horrors of TV! ^.^  
  
Heero: Ow! -.-* Damnit  
  
Relena: Heero?  
  
Heero: Nani? OW! Stupid head!  
  
Relena: Do you need some aspirin?  
  
Heero: Yeah... hey, you're being...reasonable..  
  
Relena: ^.~ Of course! We can't have a relationship if I'm not!  
  
Heero: GAH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
/"Nope...never ever...Relena...nope...nuh-uh" -the weirdest modification of a quote from Wufei./ 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapter  
  
Rates: PG-13, yaoi, fluff, bad humor, 1x2, 3x4, 9x13  
  
Notes: I got a good review so here's another one. ::sigh:: I'll just post the whole series even if I don't get any more reviews and they all end up flames. I've got no life. X.x Plus it'll make me feel better than I've completed a story. I'm sure experienced writers would understand. ^.^  
  
The Horrors of TV Part 6  
  
Sasami ran along the flower fields holding Ryo-Ohki. Her best friend, Yugi was laughing and hopping along side her.  
  
"Where are we going, Sasami?" Yugi asked.  
  
Sasami giggled. "It's a secret silly!" They ran along the fields until they came upon a single tree. Sasami tapped into the side and a hole big enough for them to fit opened.  
  
"Wow..." Yugi sighed. She followed Sasami inside and there were thousands upon thousands of colored rubber circles flying back and forth.  
  
"I don't remember these being here..." Sasami pointed out. Then the rubber circles flew up and decapitated them.  
Duo shivered in the kitchen. His foot was still lodged in the refrigerator. "I w-w-w-wonder if th-th-that's a big s-s-s-s-secret to the Cons-s- spiracy."  
  
Wufei barged in the door with Sally Po behind him. Duo sighed with relief. He had been waiting there for about 3 hours!  
  
"Hi Duo," Wufei waved. "Move your foot. I want food."  
  
Sally picked up a crowbar and pried Duo's foot loose. "Duo, you need to be more careful." Duo nodded, his lips were like ice. Shakily he stumbled out of the kitchen. Sally turned to Wufei. "Now what is this about we don't have any food left? Treize went to the store just last week."  
  
"We have no more Fortune Cookies." Wufei complained. Sally sighed.  
  
"Wufei, they're in the cupboard." She opened the doors and a stash of Fortune Cookies was piled in it.  
  
Wufei blinked. 'FORTUNE COOKIE!" He dived into the cupboard and Sally backed away.  
  
"I'll... just leave you and the cupboard alone for the time being...." She started towards the door, but turned around. "Wufei?"  
  
"Nani?" he mumbled between mouthfuls of cookies.  
  
"How come you asked for my help when you act sexist all the time?"  
  
Wufei stared at her, blinked and shrugged. "I don't know." Then he went back to stuffing his face. Sally shrugged and left.  
  
Quatre's eyes fluttered awake. He was asleep on Trowa's bed and Trowa was asleep next to him. Quatre smiled and wrapped his arm around him.  
  
Suddenly Quatre heard a small scuffling noise and he jerked around. An old man was crouching next to the bed. This must have been the old man Trowa was talking about! It was the same man that Quatre had seen that afternoon in the tree.  
  
"What do you want?" Quatre choked. The old man laughed.  
  
"Oh nothing, nothing." His eyes darted all around. Trowa stirred.  
  
Quatre leaned over and whispered in Trowa's ear. "Hurry, the old man's here."  
  
Trowa jerked awake and in the blink of an eye he had the old man in a headlock with a knife to his throat. "Tell me why you are putting me through this torture."  
  
The old man shivered, wide eyed. "I'm just a messenger!" Trowa tightened his grip. "Ok, ok! A while back I got into some trouble with one of Queen Emeritus Relena's bodyguards, since then I've been a little insane. Many of the actors in your so-called 'anime' shows disgust me. So I've decided to destroy them."  
  
"But why?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Because I'm not quite right!" The old man gasped and Trowa loosened his grip a little. "I love taking women's panties! And I'm exchanging the thoughts of your friends here just for fun. I like meddling with people's lives."  
  
"So, this has nothing to do with the shows?" Trowa inquired. The old man shook his head.  
  
"I'm just having fun."  
  
"One more question..." Quatre started. "Who are you?"  
  
"My name makes no difference." The old man replied. "I am... a normal person." Quatre and Trowa gasped.  
  
"A normal person? The kind that can't stand our way of life?" Trowa asked. The old man nodded.  
  
"The complex kind that only strange and unusual people can put into stories that closes the gap between the so-called 'normal' people and those known as 'anime lovers' or what-not."  
  
"Did you really kill all those people?" Quatre shivered. The thought of killing always disturbed him.  
  
"Sadly no." The old man shook his head. "But... you'll have to figure out what has been decapitating them and why..." And with that the old man hopped off with his green bag.  
  
"He's toying with us." Trowa stared at the ground Quatre wrapped his arms around him.  
  
"That's ok, at least he forgot to exchange your mind with Heero's." he smiled. Trowa nodded.  
  
Duo was twitching and shaking on his way to the bathhouse. When he was done, he had his mind set on killing Wufei. He had suffered through three hours of the bitter coldness of the refrigerator and all Wufei thought about was Fortune Cookies.  
  
When Duo came to the door to the bathhouse, it took him a few minutes to get the door open because his hands were so numb.  
  
He hurried and got undressed and grabbed a towel, but as soon as he got to an open bath and got in, did he relax and stop twitching.  
  
After sitting in the warm water for a while, Duo started to hear splashing and moaning coming from one of the nearby baths. Slowly and curiously, Duo peeked over the edge.  
  
Noin and Zechs were in the same tub, getting to 'know' each other better. Duo turned red and shrank back into his tub. After a few minutes he heard screaming and peaked again. They were still at it.  
  
Minutes passed and Zechs and Noin were still having way too much fun. Duo had shampooed his hair about 6 times before he couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and yelled.  
  
"STOP IT! CAN'T A GUY WASH IN PEACE!?"  
  
Zechs and Noin stopped and stared at the sight of the naked Duo. Zechs covered Noin's eyes.  
  
"Were you spying on us?" Zechs demanded. Duo shook his head quickly, grabbed a towel and ran out as fast as he could.  
"What do you mean there's a Conspiracy?" Sally Po asked Quatre.  
  
"There's a psychotic old man running around exchanging Heero and Trowa's thoughts. He's also decapitating all the actors in the shows."  
  
"And we don't know his name." Trowa nodded. "We just know that he's a 'normal' person."  
  
Trowa and Quatre had gone to Sally Po's office to discuss the happenings of the Conspiracy and to find out what has been decapitating everyone and how they could stop it.  
  
"Hmmm" Sally pondered. "Do you know what they look like?"  
  
"They're round." Trowa started.  
  
"And in different colors." Quatre finished.  
  
All of a sudden Duo barged only clad in a towel. He was breathing hard.  
  
"What is it, Duo?" Sally asked.  
  
"It's Noin and Zechs." Duo stopped to catch his breath. "In the bathhouses." Quatre and Trowa exhaled.  
  
"We can't get them to stop." Sally reasoned. "No matter what. Anyway, Duo, do you know anything about the Conspiracy?"  
  
"Yeah, someone's out to get Sailor Moon." Duo shrugged.  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
"No."  
  
Quatre jumped in. "Maybe you've figured something out!"  
  
"Well, I saw this chick from Tenchi get decapitated by these colorful, round, rubbery things." Duo began.  
  
Trowa sat and thought out loud. "What do we know about things that are rubbery, round, and colorful?"  
  
Sally snapped her fingers. "CONDOMS!"  
  
Quatre and Trowa blinked. "What's a condom?" Duo fell over.  
  
"Well I guess I'm gonna have to explain something to you guys." Duo grinned and cleared his throat. "A condom is what a male uses to stop his so-called 'baby-makin'-fluid' from getting into a female. That way, it can stop STD's and unplanned pregnancy." Sally nodded.  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh" Quatre sighed. "No wonder, we never use those."  
  
"How come you know about this, Duo?" Trowa asked.  
  
Duo scratched his neck. "Oh, I've been around..." Sally laughed.  
  
"He took one of Noin's Sex Education classes because he thought she was gonna show the class her breasts."  
  
Duo turned red. "I did not!" He stopped. "Well the part about taking to class is true."  
  
Kaito got stuck doing chores again. So, as he mopped up the side of the pool, his best friend and partner, Rena skated by.  
  
"Hey, Kaito!" She called out. "When you're done meet me by the tree in the park! I have a surprise!"  
  
Kaito grimaced. This wasn't the first time Rena had tried to sneak him into admitting his feelings for her. The truth was, he didn't have feelings for her. But never-the-less he finished his chores and met up with Rena.  
  
She wasn't alone. Standing next to her was Kaito's old friend, Rick. Rena smiled. "Rick and I are go-" she was cut short because three condoms came up and decapitated them.  
  
Wufei looked at the TV in the kitchen. "Why people throw Condoms at people?" He shrugged. Slowly, he marched down the hallway and dragged himself to his room. His stomach hurt tremendously because he had had way too many Fortune Cookies.  
  
Sally Po was walking down the hall talking to Duo, Quatre and Trowa about something. Wufei smiled and ran up to them.  
  
"Hey, Wufei, finished with the cookies?" Sally smiled. Wufei nodded.  
  
"Guess what? People throw Condoms on TV." he grinned. "I figured conspiracy."  
  
"Yes, I know that, Wufei." Quatre explained.  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yes, we figured it out." Trowa nodded. Wufei sank to the floor.  
  
"I NOT SPECIAL!" he almost sobbed.  
  
Sally knelt down beside him. "That's not true. Everyone is special. Look at Duo only he can pick his nose like that."  
  
Duo pulled his finger out of his nose. "I was not!"  
  
"Was too!" Wufei snickered, forgetting what he was upset about.  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Was too!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Was too!"  
  
"Boys, boys." Quatre stepped in. "No fighting please. Trowa and I are going to my room to figure out how to stop the Conspiracy." Trowa nodded and hand in hand he and Quatre left.  
  
"Awww." Duo fluttered his eyelashes. "They look so innocent!"  
  
Sally put her hands on her hips and smiled. "And they admitted without knowing it that they both aren't the virgins they claim to be."  
  
Wufei's gaped open. "They aren't?"  
  
Duo and Sally shook their heads.  
  
"How come I last to know!" Wufei stormed off.  
Will Quatre and Trowa find the secret to stop the conspiracy? Will Wufei ever be the first to know something? Does Sally like Wufei? Or does Wufei like Sally? Is Duo hiding something? Find out next time on The Horrors of TV Part 7!  
Heero: I know what Duo's been hiding.  
  
Narrator: What?  
  
Heero: He's only got a 4 inch dick.  
  
Narrator: ::falls over:: Thanks for sharing, Heero.  
  
Heero: Your welcome. Hey Relena's not here.  
  
Narrator: I got complaints.  
  
Heero: Oh, figures.  
  
/"If your joking that's rude. If you're being sarcastic, that's even worse."-a quote from Duo Maxwell, Endless Waltz/ -[]Goes quite well with what Heero just said, ne? []- 


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: - for 1st chapter applies to rest of story Rates: PG-13, yaoi, language, 1x2, 3x4, 9x6 AN: ::yawn:: sorry it took so long! I was never on the right computer and... FF.net wasn't up for a while and.. yeah, you know the classical crap that author's call excuses. ^.^  
  
Shinji Ikari was walking down the dark hallway of the underground NERV headquarters when he came across Rei Ayanami coming from the opposite direction. Shinji's first reaction was to straighten himself out and walk normally. Soon, Rei passed him without speaking a word and Shinji continued down the hall until he ran into Kaworu Nagisa. "Hello, Shinji Ikari." Kaworu smirked. "Hello, Kaworu." Shinji returned the greeting. "Shinji, are you going to the showers now? I would like to go with you." "Nani?" Shinji's mouth gaped open. "I mean... uh.. sure..." Kaworu smiled and took Shinji's hand and blushing, they went to the showers together.  
  
"I no get it. Why they not die?" Wufei blinked.  
  
Then some condoms flew up and decapitated them.  
  
"Ok, that better.. no wait..." Wufei sat staring at the TV confused.  
  
Duo walked in at that precise moment and waved a hand in front of Wufei's face.  
  
"Hola Fortune Cookie." Duo joked. "This conspiracy hard on you?"  
  
Wufei didn't answer.  
  
"Hey... FC?"  
  
Wufei didn't answer.  
  
"Quatre and Trowa are making out..."  
  
Wufei sat up quickly. "They is? WHERE?" He bolted out the door at top speed. Duo blinked and looked at the TV. Shinji and Kaworu were decapitated on the floor of a bathroom.  
  
"I don't want to know what happened there..." Duo shrugged and walked out of the room, colliding with Wufei.  
  
Wufei glared at the braided Pilot. "You say they make out. They not."  
  
"I got your attention, no?" Duo blinked.  
  
"And why you call me FC?"  
  
"It's easier than Fortune Cookie."  
  
"I no like that nickname."  
  
"Well, that's tough."  
  
"What tough?" Wufei blinked.  
  
"Life."  
  
"What Life?"  
  
"A magazine."  
  
"Really? How much it cost?"  
  
"Only $1.00." Duo smirked.  
  
"But what if I no have that kind money?"  
  
"Well that's tough."  
  
"What tough?"  
  
"Life."  
  
"What Life?"  
  
"I thought I told you already." Duo blinked.  
  
Wufei stared at him for a moment and stuck his tongue out at Duo who grabbed it. "OW OW OW! Thuo schtop!"  
  
"Say Uncle!" Duo jeered.  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"HAI!"  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"HAI!"  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"HAI!"  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"HAI!"  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"HAI!"  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"HAI!"  
  
"IIE!" Wufei kicked Duo in the shin and ran down the hall. Duo ran after him and they collided with Zechs and Noin.  
  
"Hey, when did you two stop?" Duo asked.  
  
"Stop? Stop what?" Noin asked confused. Zechs and I have only been talking all day, right my little Zechsy-poo?"  
  
Zechs kissed Noin's nose. "Yes, my little Noiny-kins."  
  
"You two make me sick." Wufei gagged and quickly stepped out of the way.  
  
Duo smirked and made an awkward gesture at Noin and Zechs and called out "Flaming Testicles!" Before running away laughing.  
  
Roger Smith drove his black car down the highway of Paradine City, unaware of his surroundings because Dorothy was blowing in his ear and whispering sweet nothings to him.  
  
Roger soon crashed into a tree and fell headlong into a bush, where he and Dorothy continued to make out. Three times the condoms tried to attack them, but Dorothy always sensed them and dodged.  
  
But right when Roger called out Dorothy's name to ask why they were doing this in the first place did the condoms reach them and decapitate them.  
  
"Hmm..." Quatre thought. "Why would that old man be doing this? And is Big O even an anime? And why is it called Big O anyway?"  
  
Trowa shrugged. "I think it's Americanized though..."  
  
"Figures..." Quatre agreed.  
  
Sally thought for a moment. "Do you suppose there is another conspiracy behind this?"  
  
"Oh?" Quatre sounded interested. "Like what?"  
  
"Well..." Sally started. "I've got a feeling Duo and Wufei saw a show where the characters were engaging in sensual relations and this show was evidently showing the same thing. I believe the man is doing this to show that anime should start using protection."  
  
"That may be so." Trowa said. "But no one ever uses protection anymore anyway. Well I know Wufei doesn't."  
  
Quatre's face turned to a small look of anger. "How would you know that, Trowa?"  
  
"Because. He's Chinese."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"It means, they reproduce way too much. Their population is overflowing because they never really use protection." Trowa explained.  
  
"Oh... right. Sorry." Quatre blushed. Trowa kissed him.  
  
"You look so cute when you blush!" Trowa smiled. Quatre blushed even more.  
  
"Arigatou..."  
  
Sally sighed. "As much as I would love to just watch Shounen Ai all day long, I don't have the time. So ok you two... back to business..."  
  
"Oh, hai, back to the conspiracy." Quatre quickly recovered and thought for a moment. "I could have sworn that old man looked familiar..."  
  
"Who then?" Trowa asked eagerly.  
  
"I think I've seen him on one of the shows..."  
  
"Which one?" Sally asked with the same amount of eagerness to get this mystery done and over with.  
  
"I.... Don't know." Quatre blinked. Trowa and Sally fell over.  
  
"Let's recap." Sally started. "There is a conspiracy and an old man is behind it. He's been making condoms decapitate anime actors without actually killing them because it goes to show that people should start using protection. He is also behind Trowa and Heero's behavior... and he's been switching their minds for some reason. That's what we need to figure out."  
  
The old man popped up behind and Trowa suddenly and smirked.  
  
"Trowa!" Quatre gasped. "The man! He's back!"  
  
"Ha!" The old man shouted. "I am back! Because the last visit I made, I forgot to switch Trowa's mind!" He muttered some words and hopped out with a green bag on his back.  
  
Trowa cried out in agony and sat up perfectly straight suddenly.  
  
"Trowa! I mean... Heero... is it? Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm fine." Trowa said quietly. "I know how we can stop that man."  
  
"How?" Sally asked.  
  
"Let's just kill him and get it over with."  
  
"But he might retaliate. You've seen and felt his powers."  
  
"I'll make sure he won't." Trowa said without moving a muscle.  
  
"I believe you." Sally said.  
  
"Someone does." Trowa glared at Quatre. Through Heero's mind, he didn't like Quatre one bit, and considered him a nuisance.  
  
Quatre just sat there and looked at his feet, evidently deep in thought. He soon spoke up, though. "Why do you believe he will complete this mission?"  
  
"Because he has the mind of Heero. And Heero Yuy can do anything he sets his mind to." Sally explained.  
  
Quatre sighed. "Well, alright. Ok then Trowa... err... Heero. You may go after that old man."  
  
"Mission Accepted." Trowa chanted and stood up to head out the door. Quatre suddenly gasped. Trowa turned around. "What is it now?" he asked rather annoyed.  
  
"I now remember who that old man is!" The blonde youth smiled.  
  
"Who?" Trowa asked.  
  
"It's... Happosai. Japan's greatest Hentai."  
  
Will Trowa really kill Happosai? What did Duo mean by flaming testicles? Were Noin and Zechs telling the truth when they said they weren't doing anything all day? Do I always ask questions at the end of these stories? Will I ever write another one? Find out next time on The Horrors of TV Part 8!  
  
Heero: -=singing to Spiderman tune=- Quatre-chan! Quatre-chan! No one can do it like Quatre-chan!  
  
Dorothy: What are you doing?  
  
Heero: Dorothy? Hello...  
  
Dorothy: I repeat. What are you doing?  
  
Heero: I'm singing of my love for Quatre.  
  
Dorothy: What about Duo?  
  
Heero: I don't like Duo. Quatre's the one for me.  
  
Dorothy: Heero? What's with you?  
  
Heero: Heero? Who?  
  
\"If you're joking that's rude. If you're being sarcastic I'll blow your head off." -a modification of a quote from Duo Maxwell/Endless Waltz\ 


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: disclaimer for the first chapter applies to the rest of the story  
  
The Horrors of TV Part 8  
  
As soon as Satoshi and Kasumi were gone, Kenji started to set up a table with candles and all the romantic necessities. He always knew that Satoshi and Kasumi were meant for each other and therefore had to carefully plan this out with Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny. The two older females had led Satoshi and Kasumi away long enough for Kenji to set everything. It was no less than three minutes later that Joy and Jenny were back with Satoshi and Kasumi.  
  
"GAH! Kenji! What's all this?" Satoshi blinked.  
  
Kenji smirked. "It's about time you two realized your true feelings for each other.  
  
"True feelings?"  
  
"Hai."  
  
"Oh, Satoshi!" Kasumi's eyes were gleaming. "I always knew that you liked me! I love you too!" She embraced him and Satoshi blinked.  
  
"Uh. Kasumi."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"You mean. you don't love me?"  
  
Satoshi turned red. "No.. I mean wait. er. it's like this. heh heh heh.."  
  
Duo started yelling at the TV. "HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!"  
  
Then Satoshi and Kasumi made out and the condoms came up and decapitated them.  
  
"Oh.. ok that was quick." Duo blinked. He was sitting on the counter of the kitchen eating a bag of potato chips trying to do something productive.  
  
"Oh, like that happen." Wufei smirked. Duo shrieked like a girl and jumped up 10 feet. "WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT FC?!"  
  
"I innocent. You stupid." Wufei said calmly and stepped out the kitchen and ran headlong into Sally Po.  
  
"Hey, Wufei. What's up?" Sally smiled.  
  
'H-h-hi Sally." Wufei's cheeks burned and he bolted out the door.  
  
Duo called after him. "Oooooooo SOMEONE'S IN LOVE!!!"  
  
"SHADDAP!" Wufei called over his shoulder and ran into a wall and fainted.  
  
"Wufei is something else isn't he?" Sally chuckled and shook her head. "Say, Duo, find anything on the conspiracy?"  
  
"No. But they were making 10 year old Pokéshit trainers make out."  
  
"That's something at least. Thank you Duo."  
  
"OH YAY! What do I get?"  
  
"Here, catch!" Sally flipped a dog biscuit at Duo and he caught it with his teeth.  
  
"I did it!" Duo cheered himself and ran off to tell of his victory.  
  
Sally picked up her walkie talkie and whispered quietly into it. "Gay little blonde kid, Gay little blonde kid. This is Double Braided Lady. Come in Gay little blonde kid! Over"  
  
"This is Gay little blonde kid, what is it Double Braided Lady? Over" Came a voice from the walkie talkie.  
  
"We've found more out on the conspiracy. Over."  
  
"That's great! Over."  
  
"I suggest watching some more Television as much as it may hurt you. Over"  
  
"Ok, will do. This is gay little blonde kid. Over and out."  
Lina Inverse was up against one of the craziest evil peoples in her dimension: Valgaav.  
  
Valgaav smirked. "Come on, Lina. Is that the best you can do?"  
  
"No! What are you talking about?! I haven't done anything yet!"  
  
"I know. I just always wanted to say that."  
  
"Yea. sure." Lina sighed and was soon swept off her feet by Valgaav. "Gimme some sugar baby!" They slowly started to kiss and it turned into one of the oddest make out sessions ever because no one in their right mind would ever pair these two up.  
  
And because of that matter, condoms flew up and decapitated them both.  
  
"Hmm. " Quatre thought out loud. "Could this give me any clues? What we need to know now is why Haposai is changing Trowa and Heero's minds a lot. I do know that the conspiracy is warning people to use protection. Maybe that's the reason behind his switching Trowa and Heero. or Haposai could be crazy. I know that he's a hentai, so why is he so into using protection? Maybe it could be a public service announcement. Or maybe, he's switching Trowa and Heero's minds because Heero doesn't like me, and Trowa doesn't like Duo or Relena! That could be it! That way. everyone stays away from each other and the protection goes on. But some people have never heard of these contraptions called condoms, like me and Trowa for instance. So this may not help very much. But it could very well help many others and that's a fact. I am positive that this is all for a good cause. And this should be recorded onto some and text and put into a novel of some sort. Maybe even posted onto a website. but nah that would never happen. And anyway, I really do believe that we should tell Haposai the next time he shows up that we are going about our own way to make a public service announcement and give out protection. So that way he may leave us alone. But then Trowa. err. Heero is going out to kill Haposai so either way we're safe once again, although I approve of my tactic much better because I do not wish to harm anyone. And-"  
  
"YOU GIVE A REST ALREADY?! SHEESH!" Wufei called out from the door. Quatre whirled around suddenly.  
  
"At least I'm trying to figure all of this out!" he defended himself.  
  
"What that mean? I help too!"  
  
"You haven't helped at all but get in the way."  
  
"But I figure conspiracy out!"  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
"It a public service announcement!"  
  
"You heard me talking."  
  
"No I not!"  
  
"Yes, you did. You told me to give it a rest."  
  
".So?"  
  
"So, you didn't help. Sorry."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
Quatre gasped. "That's not a nice thing to say."  
  
"Me say nothing nice."  
  
"That's true. Listen. I've figured the conspiracy out. I need you to stop Trowa. err Heero's mind in Trowa's body from killing Haposai. Can you do that for me?"  
  
Wufei narrowed his eyes. "What you pay me?"  
  
"I have to pay you?"  
  
"Fine. I do it." Wufei sighed and walked out the door.  
  
Trowa was on his way to find Haposai when he realized that he had no clue as to how to reach him. That was an obstacle in his book and he had to find a way to get around that. He played in his mind how Duo or Relena would do it, and realized that that would help no more than asking a squirrel for directions. Then he realized that that was what Duo and Relena would do so he knelt next to the nearest squirrel.  
  
"Squeak squeakety squeaker squeak squeak? (Where can I find Haposai?)  
  
The squirrel looked at him weird. "Squeak?" (Who?)  
  
Trowa sighed. "Squeaker Squeak squeaky squeakem." (The little hentai guy with a green bag.)  
  
The squirrel nodded. "SQUEAK! Squeakery." ( He raped my uncle and went that way!)  
  
Trowa squeaked his thanks and ran in the direction the squirrel indicated. He found the remains of a blown up squirrel and a condom. He realized that that must have been the squirrel's uncle.  
  
With Heero's mind, Trowa could now speak squirrel and he found that quite interesting. Or he would have if, he had his own mind too. Trowa decided to quicken up the pace and he started to run, but he soon tripped over something and fell flat on his face.  
  
"Hahahaha! You so STUPID!" a familiar voice jeered. Trowa looked up with his muddy face and found himself staring in the eyes of Wufei. "I TRIP YOU! YOU SO STUPID!"  
  
Trowa got up and dusted himself off. "That's very amusing, Wufei. Why are you here?" "Quatre told me stop you from killing hentai dude."  
  
"Why that little. GAY LITTLE BLONDE KID! He always ruins my fun." Trowa started to trudge towards home. "Why'd he tell me to stop?"  
  
"Somethin' 'bout negotiation."  
  
"Oh great." Trowa finished trudging home, which was like four feet and as soon as he opened the door to the Preventer's dorms where they all stayed, his mind turned back into Trowa's. He suddenly gasped.  
  
"What now?" Wufei complained for no reason.  
  
"Did I really say all those mean things about Quatre?" Trowa stood shocked.  
  
"Yea. welcome to club."  
  
Will Trowa ever forgive himself of saying those things about Quatre? Will Wufei admit he likes Sally? Is Duo actually HELPFUL? Is Wufei helpful? Will Quatre stop senselessly thinking? Where's Noin and Zechs? Can Heero speak any other forest creature language? Find out next time on the Horrors of TV Part 9! ^.^  
  
Heero: Tweet tweeeet tweeter! (I'm answering a question and it's not Part 9 yet!)  
  
Bird: Tweetle tweet tweeeet! ( Good for you!)  
  
Heero: Tweety Tweetems tweet tweeeetle. ( I know. I'm the best.)  
  
Bird: Tweeeet tweetles tweet. (Haposai raped my Uncle too.)  
  
Heero: Twe twe twe tweeeeeetles! ( Ha ha ha You suck!)  
  
Narrator: You're sad.  
  
/ "If you're joking that's rude. If you're being sarcastic, see if I care." -another modification of a quote from Duo Maxwell\Endless Waltz / 


	9. Chapter 9

The Horrors of TV Part 9  
  
Eagle and Lantis sat on the shoulder of FTO. Zazu was at the foot making some quick touch ups to the upgrade system.  
  
"Don't worry you guys, It'll be done in a few!" Zazu called up to them. Eagle and Lantis sighed. Geo looked was punching in some quick new solitaire games into his GTO and didn't pay much attention. Zazu waved from his spot and smiled. "Try it now!"  
  
Eagle hopped into his FTO and flipped a few switches. He took a few swipes at the air. "Wow, Zaz! This works a whole lot better than before! I'm sure Hikaru will be really impressed with this!"  
  
Lantis coughed silently. Eagle looked up at him and he turned his head laughing to himself. "Hikaru doesn't live to fight. Her heart is very sweet and calm. Why should she be impressed by someone like you?"  
  
"What'd you say?"  
  
"Nothing!" Lantis rubbed the back of his neck. Zazu hopped up to the shoulder of the FTO and stroked the side of the huge mecha's head. "What are you two talking about? Hikaru probably doesn't even care about you."  
  
Eagle and Lantis both blew up. "HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH THINGS!" Then the condoms flew up and decapitated them all. Geo looked up from his solitaire game.  
  
"Huh?" And the condom decapitated him too.  
  
  
  
Wufei snickered. "Stupid people. Do they no get clue?" He muttered and shook his head. Duo was busy stuffing his face with corn chips while Quatre cleared his throat.  
  
"I've brought you all here to call a meeting. I presume Trowa is back to his normal self again?" Quatre smiled sweetly in his direction. Trowa nodded.  
  
Sally and Treize came in from the side door and took their respective seats. Duo looked up from his corn chip feast. "Where's Noin and Zechs? And how come you're in this story Treize?"  
  
Treize answered both questions. "Noin and Zechs are previously. occupied. And the narrator has somehow grown to have a deep utter respect for me. And. Rusty Wallace. I'm afraid it's a rather long story actually, I'll tell you the details some other time."  
  
Wufei winked. "Oh no worry Rusty Wallace! We have all time in world!"  
  
Treize smiled. "Well, in that case, I presume I can explain. It all started one day when the narrator had fast-forwarded through Gundam Wing. Every time she came to a part with me in it, she chanted 'Treize Treize I am Treize.' And she actually wrote quite a lovely poem about it." Treize went into a small daze and brought himself back to reality. "In other news, she turned the volume down and made the words up to the characters with her older sibling. They had been into NASCAR, a normal people sport of the 3-D world with less complicated technology, and whenever I had talked, she ran out of ideas and merely said: 'Hello, I'm Rusty Wallace. How are you today?' It snowballed from there. Now, who wants to hear my poem?"  
  
"Me! Me!" Duo and Wufei jumped up and down raising their hands. Quatre stood and tapped on the table with the ruler.  
  
"Excuse me, but this meeting has been called to order. Mr. Treize, you can tell us your poetry later." Sally and Trowa nodded in unison. "I called you all here today to discuss negotiative tactics to relieve us from this conspiracy with Haposai. Now, I have discovered that he his merely using condoms to show that we must use protection because some people, of which I do not wish to say names, do not know what that may be."  
  
"Like you." Duo coughed. Trowa sent a warning glare at him.  
  
"Anyway," Quatre continued. "Haposai is merely using a public service announcement. We, in return, should use a public service announcement for ourselves to show that we mean it too. That way we shall be left alone. I do not approve of Heero's tactic of getting around this because I do not wish to harm anyone."  
  
Wufei shook Duo awake and clapped his hands as Quatre sat down. Realizing he was the only one, he immediately stopped. Then, everyone else clapped and Wufei once again felt stupid. He stood up and stormed out of the room, his pride hurt. Sally ran after him and Duo whistled.  
  
"Wooohooo!" He stopped once he felt the eyes resting on him. An overly large sweatdroplet rolled down the side of his face and he slunk down into his seat.  
  
Treize complimented Quatre on his speech and added an interesting question. "What will our public service announcement be?" Quatre stood there with his mouth hanging open and turned to Trowa for assistance. Trowa offered no help of his own, dumbfounded. Noin and Zechs appeared at the door.  
  
"I believe I have some vote of confidence for this little situation." Noin smirked. "Everyone huddle."  
  
Amuro flipped on the intercom to communicate with Sayla. "Quick! Sayla! Get the G-Armor ready for docking mode! I need to use the main canons, Gundam alone cannot win this battle!"  
  
"Right!" came Sayla's voice. The computer took over and in a matter of seconds, Gundam and G-Armor were connected as one. They turned to face the enemy's armor.  
  
"This should be a cinch." Smirked Armuro, and sure enough, it was. They had defeated the enemy armor with ease and headed back to White Base. There, Fraw Bo stood awaiting Amuro's return. Only this time, there was an unfamiliar glint in her eyes and she made no hesitation to throw her arms around Amuro's neck. The soldier blushed and when he asked her what was wrong she smirked and replied.  
  
"Oh nothing Armuro. Listen, I've got some kinks in my lower back. You think we can go back to be room and you can help loosen me up?" Then from no where once again, the condoms flew up and decapitated them.  
  
Sally sighed as Wufei massaged her shoulders. "This conspiracy is getting predictable. It's starting to bore me. I wonder if Quatre and the others thought of anything to help."  
  
"They did." Wufei said.  
  
"They did?"  
  
"Yeah. Blonde guy said something 'bout public service thing. To help use protection. I no get it. Too com.complica."  
  
"Complicated?"  
  
"That it! Too complicated for me."  
  
Sally sat there for a few seconds and blinked. "WuWu, did we use protection?"  
  
Wufei blinked also. "Oops." He shrugged and continued to massage Sally's shoulders. Duo suddenly burst in crying.  
  
"Duo, what's wrong?" Sally immediately pulled the covers up to cover her.  
  
"They wouldn't let me in on the secret!" He sniffed.  
  
"What secret?" Wufei scoffed.  
  
Duo sniffled again. "Noin and Zechs came in and told Treize and Quatre and Trowa about the new public service announcement and forgot I was there!"  
  
"Aw, poor Duo." Sally said sympathetically.  
  
Duo put on puppy eyes. "Hug?" He spread out his arms. Wufei stomped on the braided boy's foot.  
  
"We busy. Go away." Wufei narrowed his eyes and still held the cover around his waist with one hand.  
  
It didn't take Duo very long to figure out what was going on and, sniffling, he walked away. "Fine. I see when I'm not wanted."  
  
"DUOOO!!!!!" A familiar voice (that by the way has not been ~seen~ in the actual story of this series... so, guess who!) sounded through the halls and a faint glimpse of it's owner appeared and collapsed in Duo's arms with a giant bear hug. Duo smiled.  
  
"Hi hi!" They walked down the hallway, hand in hand.  
  
Wufei blinked. "Least he happy." He turned back to Sally and locked the door.  
  
"Nani?" Zechs blinked. "You want me to wear WHAT?"  
  
"It's a banana suit! Oh come on, it'll look really adorable!' Noin smiled and held the costume up to Zechs. "And Treize and Quatre worked to hard on it. You wouldn't want to ruin it for them!"  
  
"Well, alright, but I'm not making any favors." Zechs reluctantly took the banana suit into his arms and walked off to change. Noin turned to Trowa.  
  
"You have the video camera?" Trowa nodded. "Good."  
  
What will Zechs look like in the banana suit? Why do they have a banana suit anyway? Does this mean Wufei and Sally got together? Will we ever hear Treize's poem? And what about Duo's newfound lover? Find out on the last story of The Horrors of TV Part 10!!  
  
Treize: Ok! You all wanted to hear my poem right!?  
  
Everyone: Right!  
  
Treize: Well alright here goes.  
  
Treize Treize I am Treize  
  
I eat chicken and corn maize  
  
I have said this all my days  
  
And I cannot finish this maze  
  
I heard this poem's in a craze  
  
Sheep and cows, they like to graze  
  
Fishermen live on land and cays  
  
Lots of fish in reefs and bays  
  
The sun lets out harmful rays  
  
Quatre and Trowa are both gays  
  
This poem can go in many ways  
  
The banker is the one that pays  
  
Every time I get a raise  
  
And through the wall I can phase  
  
Horses do eat lots of hays  
  
I saw Zechs eat three bluejays  
  
And Dilandau set the town ablaze  
  
Some bald men like to wear toupees  
  
TREIZE TREIZE I AM TREIZE!  
  
Narrator: -=claps=- Excellent Treize Kushrenada aka Rusty Wallace! -=salutes=- Oh, and one minor note, Duo is with Heero in the story this time because he didn't actually appear in the lame writing afterwards.  
  
Heero: -=dancing with a Poogle right after some fun with Duo=- HII!!  
  
/"If you're joking that's rude. If you're Treize and Rusty Wallace, that's pretty damn cool." Yet another modified quote from Duo Maxwell-Endless Waltz/ 


End file.
